Splice

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!


Ok, so first review. And what a film to review.

It touts itself as a Sci-Fi /horror.

There is plenty of science fiction. GM organisms, gene splicing (hence the title) etc. There's just no horror. It's just not scary.

The general story goes like this: Male/Female scientist couple (Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley) are working on splicing different animal's genes into the one organism. They want to try out human/animal genetic hybrids but their employers/funders refuse to allow this. They then decide to try it anyway. But only at the fertilisation stage. Just to see if it's possible.


As you'd expect in a film of this type it's necessary plot wise to have them let the organism go to full term. Well, you wouldn't have much of a film otherwise would you? Can't have 15 minutes of story then another 70 minutes of under the microscope footage before the glass slide that the embryo is on is picked up from under the microscope and tossed into a yellow biohazard bin, only to be followed by the two leading main characters talking for 5 minutes about what might have been.

To be honest though, the version I have just made up would have been far better than the cinema release.

The GM organism is allowed to go full term. It forms into what looks like an old wineskin with a tail, before shedding it's wineskin skin and revealing itself to be what looks like a bald rabbit with short stumpy front legs. A bit like a tiny pink T-Rex really. Only cuter.

Instead of doing what they should have done and take a shotgun to the thing, they decide (the female decides and the man has no spine and just goes along with her) to let it develop and grow. After a short period of time it has developed into a half rabbit/half ugly female child with a head like that of a penis. I'm not kidding, it really does look like that.

As the film drolls on, the mutant-like creature gets named Dren (Nerd backwards) and goes through puberty. It gets a bit aggressive, grows wings, Adrien Brody's character has sex with it (well, you would, wouldn't you?), it then turns into a bloke, attacks and kills a couple of people before raping the woman and getting killed itself.

It is a seriously bad film. I can't put across how terrible it actually is. You really have to see it for yourself to appreciate it. Though please don't take that as a
recommendation. It's not one of those "so bad it's good" films. It's so bad it's 90 minutes of your life you aren't getting back.

They've given Adrien Brody a geeky emo haircut just to make sure you realise that he's meant to be a scientist. If that weren't patronising enough, it appears that they put the sex scene in to make this film bearable. It worked for Species eh? It just doesn't work with this. To make this film remotely tolerable to anyone by adding sex, they would have to turn it into a hardcore porno for weirdos that like to watch cartoons where Japanese schoolgirls have sex with monsters (Well, you would, wouldn't you?).

If films as bad as this is where GM crops and the Monsanto corporation are going to get us, I for one, want them banned.